#59: Mallory Hates Boys (And Gym)

Tagline: Boys and gym. What a disgusting combination!

Cover: Mallory doesn't actually look too bad, as far as covers go. The uniform isn't hideous, and it's baggy, but I remember when that was in. The guys come off less favourably. Who likes short shorts? That guy out in front likes short shorts. The guy in the back is rocking some sort of mullet, and the guy in the back is oddly proportioned.

Plot: Mallory is having trouble with gym class. It's gone co-ed, and she doesn't get along with her gym teacher, and it's all a big mess. But then it turns out that she's good at archery, so everything works out in the end. Meanwhile, all the guys she knows, including her brothers and the guys in her gym class, are acting like jerks.

Points to consider:

• Mallory just read about the word 'pandemonium,' and now she has a chance to use it in her daily life! Imagine that!
• The rest of the Pikes turn this word into a game: Nicky thinks it's a disease, Claire thinks it's a panda, Vanessa thinks it sounds like dishwashing detergent.
  
• We get another 'Byron-is-different' reminder.
  
• Mrs. Pike asks Mallory to watch Claire while she makes some phone calls. Mallory kind of overreacts and gives us a speech about how her parents take advantage of her. She practically tells her mom to ask her during BSC hours. Also, does Mrs. Pike really need to arrange for care for Claire while she makes some phone calls? Couldn't she just like, I don't know, suggest Claire and Margo play together for while? Or set Claire up with a puzzle or something? It must be an important phone call.
  
• Ben is totally Mark Darcy - he like Mallory just as she is.
  
• Mallory's brothers start pulling pranks and stuff, so they go over to Ben's house, where she eats his chocolate cake. Dirty?
  
• For once, Mallory points out that she and Kristy have the same amount of people in their families but she gets to live in a mansion. Work that indignation, Mallory!
• Logan's mom calls to get a sitter from the BSC, and ends up with...Logan.
  
• Mallory wears a one-piece denim jumpsuit to school.
  
• I hated gym, so I kind of sympathize with Mallory. Kind of.
  
• Heh. On her way to join her team, she suddenly becomes really aware of her arms, and isn't sure how to move them. Do you think 30 Rock writers were secret BSC fans?
  
• By the end of Chapter 3, we have our central theme set up: Mallory hates boys. And gym.
  
• Mrs. Newton gets her hair highlighted.
  
• Mallory gets into a battle of wits with Jamie Newton. And loses. Poor Mallory!
• Between gym class and babysitting, Mallory starts thinking that all boys are pains. And that's enough for her to come up with a theory - boys are pains.
  
• I hated gym, but I was really good in volleyball. At least at an elementary grade level.
  
• At least Mallory has the presence to realize that in the big picture, none of this matters.
  
• At the next game, Mallory benches herself and refuses to play. So she gets detention. Why don't these girls ever TALK to anyone about their problems? I mean, not that it would do any good in this case, but at least it would mean that she would stop coming up with ridiculous plans.
  
• After acknowledging that Ben, the rest of the Hobarts, and Logan aren't jerks like the rest of the guys she knows, Mallory decides that only guys native to Stoneybrook are pains. But what about Logan's brother? He was described as being a pain, too. This theory has flaws.
  
• And then she decides to blame it all on gym. Does Mallory have this poor of a grip on reality in all of the books she narrates?
  
• Mallory commits mail fraud when the detention notices start coming to her house; she hids them from her parents.
  
• Ms. Walden, the gym teacher, tries to talk to Mallory about her problem with gym, but Mallory decides she'd rather take detention. So Ms. Walden has Mallory wash all of the pinneys. And that's what I remember most from this book.
  
• Stacey comes up with a mathematical way to say that Mallory's theory is full of crap.
  
• People are always shooting people a Look in these books. What's with the random capitalization?
• The Pike boys and the Hobart boys (minus Ben) switch places, and Mallory thinks that she'll have a night of peace and quiet. Instead, the boys act wild. There goes your theory, Mal! I can't believe there was a whole book about this.
  
• While over at the Hobarts, Adam discussed the plight of the Zuni people (no, those are not my words), Byron talked about the Pike lending library, and Jordan played piano, and Nicky loved Mr. Hobart's slideshow of Australia. I wish we'd seen those chapters.
  
• Mallory goes to Ms. Walden and asks for extra help in gym. Ms. Walden shoots her down, because she doesn't want to take anyone out of the game. Why would it be during gym class, though? Couldn't it be like, after school? Couldn't someone like Kristy do it?
• Volleyball is over about one class after Mal and Ms. Walden talk. Then it's archery. In the first class, one guy gets his finger sliced open by an arrow...and Mal says she can sympathize, because she's had a paper cut. Uh, what?
• SMS has an archery team?
  
• Anyway, Mallory tries out for it and makes it, and when she gets home the Pikes have a cake for her and it says CONGRADULATIONS. And that messed me up on spelling it for a long time.
  

Final thought: Despite having a lot of the Hobarts, there is a remarkable lack of "Australian" talking (where the writers try to spell out "roit" or "Hoi Melry."

# 14: Hello, Mallory

Tagline: Why are the Baby-sitters making it so hard for Mallory to join their club?

Cover: Because the girls can be cliquey bitches when they want to be. This is Mallory's first book, and unlike Dawn and Abby, she gets to narrate a story before she's even officially in the club. By the way, I always say this title like Jerry's saying "Hello, Newman" in Seinfeld. Is that a cat on Claudia's shoulder? Oh, no, it's just her hair (but I could totally see Claudia wearing a stuffed cat on her shoulder, like a parrot). I think it's the Perkins girls that are on the cover with them - RoboToddler Gabbie and The Amazing Myriah.

Plot!: Stacey has just moved away back to New York, and the BSC is looking to replace her. They have already asked Mallory to consider joining, so this one picks up just before Mallory meets with them. They make her take a test, which she flunks because it's ridiculously hard, and observe her sitting, and Claudia makes her so nervous that that's a bust, too. So she quits before she even joins. While this is going on, a new student starts as MSS. It's Jessi Ramsay, and hold on to your hats, guys - she's black! She and Mallory bond over horse stories and feeling like outsiders, and even try their own baby-sitting club before the BSC comes crawling back, and they both join.

Points of Interest:

• Claire Pike calls her parents Moozie and Daggles.
  
• Okay, here's a new entry on the Mallory hair continuity: all of the Pikes have dark brown hair. Then why is Mallory sometimes a redhead?
• While Mallory is baby-sitting, Nicky breaks his finger playing volleyball. I only mention it because it will be important later.
  
• Mallory pictures the BSC members in their cool clothes: brightly coloured sweater dresses, sparkly tops, and tight pants. Hot.
  
• Speaking of hot, Mallory wears a red jumper with MALLORY across the front (oh, please tell me that all the Pikes have clothes with their names on it), a short-sleeved white blouse, and white tights with hearts on them.
  
• When Mallory gets to school, she sees Jessi for the first time, and of course she notices Jessi's loooooong legs, even though Jessi's probably wearing jeans or something. Also, she calls Jessi beautiful.
  
• Proud moments in Stoneybrook history: the homeroom teacher doesn't ask Jessi to introduce herself, Benny Ott shoots rubber bands at Jessi, the English teacher pretends he doesn't see Benny Ott shooting rubber bands at Jessi, Sally (a sixth grade girl) says that Jessi doesn't belong here, Anita (another sixth grader) thinks that Jessi moved from Africa, and Sally (again) thinks that her real name Mobobwee.
  
• When Mallory arrives at her first BSC meeting, both she and the BSC members act like they don't know her at all. They've been baby-sitting for the Pikes for ages! Mallory even went to Sea City with Mary Anne. This is dumb.
  
• Mallory tells them about Nicky's accident, and the club reacts like Mallory just told them she spent the afternoon drowning animals in the toilet. They tell her they need responsible sitters - even though a kid was KIDNAPPED while Dawn was baby-sitting, the four originals ruined Jamie Newton's birthday party with their fighting, Logan's first job with Jackie Rodowsky was nothing BUT accidents, and Jenny Pereziosso had to go to the hospital while Mary Anne was sitting (which wasn't her fault, but neither was Nicky's finger).
  
• Also, Dawn says that they need responsible sitters because they've had trouble in the past. But the whole Baby-Sitters Agency thing (that I think Dawn is talking about) happened BEFORE Dawn joined. Which would make the last full-time regular sitter who joined Dawn. Of all of them, I would think that Dawn would be the most sympathetic to Mallory.
  
• The next day, Mallory dresses down and wears a shirt that says "I'd rather be writing my novel." I know it's casual and everything, but if you're trying to join this group, why would you advertise that you'd rather be doing something else?
  
• Jessi's birthday is June 13th. Mark that on your calendars.
  
• At this point, Mallory doesn't have braces yet. It's a wonder there wasn't a Very Special Episode about Mal's braces.
  
• At one point (on a non-meeting day) Mr. Perkins calls Claudia to say that Mrs. Perkins has had a new baby (Laura Elizabeth). Apparently, the reason is to arrange some extra baby-sitting or something. But don't these people have adult friends? Why is he calling a 13-year old girl?
  
• The BSC members give Mallory a ridiculous test based on things they read out of textbooks. One of the things was to draw a diagram of the digestive system. She should have turned it around on them and asked Claudia how to spell digestive system. Considering Claudia calls it the divestive system, I think Mallory would have a good case.
  
• Mallory and Jessi bond over horse books. And their feelings of being outsiders. Because racism is totally the same as not being allowed to join the BSC.
  
• According to Jessi's mom, Jessi is Squirt's second mother. Gah? She's 11! I get what she's trying to say, but it still seems weird.
  
• When Jessi comes over to the Pikes, Claire almost asks if she's come to clean their house. Awkward.
  
• Mallory and Jessi decide that to start their own sitting club: Kids Incorporated. They baby-sit AND sing songs:
  
  
• Dawn is pleased that Mrs. Barrett has finally found a woman to help her with her cleaning. That...doesn't seem like any of Dawn's business.
  
• Dawn wonders why, if Mrs. Pike needed a baby-sitter, she didn't call the BSC. Well, maybe because you were just pretty terrible to her daughter. And if the BSC thought that Mallory was old enough to sit, why wouldn't Mrs. Pike? And if Mallory was the co-sitter, why would the BSC want to co-sit with her? It seems like the question is, why would Mrs. Pike call the BSC?
• On page 116, the BSC members FINALLY remember that Mallory helped out the mothers' helpers in Sea City and at their Summer Camp.
  
• Before joining the club, Jessi says that she's afraid her blackness is going to be an issue. After THINKING ABOUT IT FOR AWHILE, the rest of the BSC says that if it is, they'll deal with it later. Seriously, they have to think about letting her join, because she's black. Who would have thought that only twenty years from then, the US would have Barack Obama as president.
  
• On Mallory's do-over sitting job at the Newtons', Claudia sat down at the table and tried to look invisible. How...do you do that? Close your eyes?
• In the end, it's assumed that Mallory and Jessi join the club, partly because they're good sitters and partly because the club is desperate.

Final Thought: Racism is bad. But so is a jumper with your name on it.

#80: Mallory Pike, #1 Fan

Tagline: Mal's favorite author lives in Stoneybrook!

Cover: Oh, Mallory. But we'll get to that. Meanwhile...what's with the terrible spookiness of the cover? The dark mailbox, the bare branches...the baggy jeans. Is it safe to ride a bike with pants like that? And her thighs look GIGANTIC. Strange. And she's riding around in a bike with a basket on the front, like she's Jessica Fletcher or something. If you're dying to be cool, like Mallory is, would you really want to ride a bike with a basket? Also, if you look really close, Mallory's lips are pursed into the pout of judgementalness. Which fits, story-wise, considering who big of a moron Mal is in this book.

Plot!: Mallory starts spazzing out over Henrietta Hayes, who writes a YA series called Alice Anderson. She writes her a fan letter (even braving almost being late to a BSC meeting in order to mail it), and that's how she finds out that H.H. near Stoneybrook! Of course! Mallory sends her a bazillion letters and is crushed when H.H. doesn't personally write back, because Mallory wants to interview for this ridiculous English project she has to do. So Mallory goes to her house and is all, "Don't you know WHO I AM?" and H.H. decides to humour her by allowing Mal to interview her, and then offers Mal the chance to be her assistant. Along the way, Mal gets the idea that Alice Anderson is based on H.H. or her daughter or something, because she thinks all FICTION is based on TRUTH and stuff. So she freaks out at H.H. for lying, and H.H. awesomely puts her in her place. But then they work it out and Mallory just goes on being awkward.

At the same time, Mallory tries to write a play about her family exactly as they are, because authors don't lie. And her family revolts against this idea of perfect 'Valery Turnpike' and her crazy family. So Mallory re-writes it and everyone's happy.

Continuity Fairy: A lot of the Mallory books are people dumping on Mallory, so that is consistent. And there at least a couple "Mallory is a writer" books, although this one is probably the most annoying because of the whole "all fiction is true!" thing.

Points to Consider:

• This book, in addition to 'gratefully acknowledging Suzanne Weyn,' is dedicated to Summer Lynne Headley. Part of me hopes that Summer Lynne Headley is a girl that contacted Ann M. Martin and was all "why are you spreading LIES?"
• Opening line: "I love English class." Really, Mal? I never would have guessed.
  
• Mallory recounts meeting Amelia Moody and being too shy to say anything. I think that's in The Baby-Sitters Remember?
  
• Mallory spends a lot of time thinking about what her book jacket picture will look like one day. This time, she doesn't want a picture at all. Jessi tells her she's better looking than she thinks. Ha!
• The stupid English assignment is work 80% of their term mark. That seems ridiculous.
  
• I do not like how they writer her as Mme. Noelle. Just write Madame. It's not that much more space.
  
• We're all reminded about the time when Mal won Best Overall Fiction in the Sixth Grade. Sometimes I think that might be the high point of her life.
  
• We get a detailed explanation of what a skip-it is and how to use one. Why not just tell us about a ball-in-a-cup?
  
• Mallory decides to involve kids in her school writing project. Because between being a Pike and being part of the BSC, she doesn't spend enough time with kids. Whatever.
  
• Mallory cries when she's finished reading Alice Anderson. because it's just so awesome. I'm crying and I'm only on the first channel.
  
• She explains that Nannie moved in to watch Emily Michelle "during working hours." But at night, she's off the clock!
• Who describes their friend as having creamy skin? It's disgusting sounding.
• Mallory spends the first few chapters tripping over her ego, but everyone else is not impressed: the Kids Can do Anything leaders don't fall all over themselves for her, her English teacher doesn't like her proposal. Poor Mallory!
• Mallory gets a form letter from H.H. and decides to stalk her. I mean, call her on the phone because she lives close. It's actually kind of creepy.
  
• The Kids Can Do Anything Club: a boring plot device.
  
• Some kids that Mallory doesn't know are in her play group. Haven't these kids' parents discovered the amazing wonderfulness of the Baby-Sitters Club.
  
• Mallory, after reading HALF of H.H.'s books, decides that she is actually Alice Anderson or Alice's mother. I think she actually hurt herself jumping to that conclusion.
  
• Mallory calles H.H. the world's greatest living writer. What about Marguerite Henry?
  
• There's a VERY long explanation of why H.H. sends out form letters. We get it, Ann M. Martin. You're very busy!
• Mallory says she wants to find out what happened to Alice (because she thinks H.H. is Alice and she is a stalker). And H.H. reacts like this is the most genius thing ever and she had never even considered writing a reunion book. Bull.
  
• H.H. uses an electric typewriter, but not a computer because that's sooo high-tech. In 1994. I think even Jessica Fletcher had switched over by then (what's with all of my Murder, She Wrote references today?)
• Oh, Mallory's play. With Ranessa, Ricky, Margarita, and the rest.
  
• Mallory announces that J.M. Barrie is not considered one of the world's greatest writers. He's no Henrietta Hayes.
  
• Oh my Lord. Claire is changed to Delaware. What is Mallory on?
  
• Library shoutout! Mallory goes to the public library to see what is published about Henrietta Hayes. Mrs. Kishi, of course, helps her out, and Mallory freaks because she realizes that Henrietta Hayes is a big fat liar!
• Mallory's efforts at directing a play suck. Maybe because she's, oh, I don't know, eleven.
  
• Okay, I have to write this all out: "I mean..." I said shakily. I had to tell her. I just couldn't hold it in any longer. "I mean you're not being fair to your readers. Your books don't tell anything about your life. They're all made up.! They're lies!" By the time I reached the words "lies," my voice was shaking.
  Ms. Hayes gave me that blank look I'd seen before. Then she drew her shoulders back, suddenly looking taller. "Mallory," she said in an even cool voice, "I have not lied. My books are not meant to reflect my life. They are novels. Fiction. I suggest you look up the definition of those words in the dictionary before you go about hurling accusations."
  The phone rang then. "Excuse me, that's probably George, calling ahead of schedule," Ms. Hayes said in a formal voice.
  With a final icy stare, Ms. Hayes went toward her study.
• I think it's odd that Mallory calls her Ms. Hayes, even when she thinks she's married. Weird.
  
• Ms. Hayes is her maiden name, she never changed it. I like Ann M. Martin's feminist inserts.
  
• Mallory tells Danielle, a girl sick with leukemia, that the whole future of the play rests on her. But no pressure.
  
• I would much rather be reading a Henrietta Hayes biography than this book. Also, I think of this whenever I hear of Helen Hayes. Thanks, ANM.
  
• Nicky thinks Ed is the coolest name a guy can have. It makes me think of the Meg/Ron think from Family Guy.
  
• If Mallory knew Matt Braddock was coming to the play, she would have arranged for a sign language interpreter. Because Stoneybrook has so many sign lnaguage interpreters who can come to an elementary school play, probably for free.
  
• Mallory's teacher says it was the best project in the class. As if.
  
• Kristy starts getting antsy because it's 5:05 and none of them are at Claudia's house for the meeting that starts in 25 minutes. I definitely could not be part of the BSC.
  
• The beginning of Mallory's next book sounds like the most boring book ever:
  Valery Turnpike produced her first place, saw her work with a famous author completed, and was surrounded by good friends and family all on the same day. Valery tended to be a complainer, but on that day she opened her eyes and realized for the first time that she was a very, very lucky person.
  

• At the back of the book there's a contest to name the new BSC member: Dear Diary, I'm 13 now...finally in the 8th grade. My twin sister and I just moved her and this great group of girls asked me to join their baby-sitting club... I'd rather have one of the BSC dolls advertised a few pages later.
  

Final Thought: I wish Henrietta Hayes stayed around to lay icy smackdowns on random people from time to time.